Paychecks

content/trigger warning: references to alcoholism, abuse, and sexual fetishes, discussions of poverty and patriarchy

Jennings gets the money and gives it away, and if he'd believed he were capable of doing so, the story couldn't continue. "No one changes that much in three years," says his closest friend and former lover, and if he had believed Jennings could change so dramatically so quickly, the story couldn't continue. The woman who, apparently, changes Jennings (or whom Jennings changes for) cannot believe the change was an act or a farce, and if she had disbelieved her partner's transformation, the story couldn't continue. If Jennings's ruthless CEO of a former college friend weren't so envious that Jennings has a former lover with a bucket hat and a blonde herbologist for a partner, and all the CEO has is a spineless imp for a sub/henchman, that he wants Jennings killed by any means necessary (really, all he needed was to disappear him, or pay him off), the story couldn't continue. Or, to correct the last sentence, if the CEO weren't so sure that Jennings's transformation is true and irreversible, so true and so irreversible that the only cure is death, the story couldn't continue. If Jennings hadn't been so divorced, for so long, from attention to the small, careful objects that surround us all the time, the story couldn't continue. (In other words, you don't take a paperclip seriously unless you're worth $92 million and then suddenly aren't.)

Jennings takes a paperclip seriously or the story couldn't continue. Jennings takes a can of hairspray seriously or the story couldn't continue. Jennings takes a fortune cookie fortune seriously or the story couldn't continue. Jennings takes a pair of sunglasses seriously or the story couldn't continue. Jennings takes a pack of matches seriously or the story couldn't continue. Jennings takes a stamp seriously or the story couldn't continue. Jennings takes a diamond ring seriously or the story couldn't continue. Jennings takes a keycard seriously or the story couldn't continue. Jennings takes a magnifying lens seriously or the story couldn't continue. John Woo takes a short story seriously or the story couldn't continue.

Arturo describes Kindred as a millionaire in hiding, and I spend so much time thinking about this. Not because I think it is true but because Arturo never once mentions Kindred's wife. Arturo never calls T. a millionaire in hiding. She is a billionaire in hiding. A trillionaire. Or: fuck money, she is the world's greatest writer in hiding. My partner is surprised when I tell him the king was an addict ("was" is being generous) who only became the king because his wife, tired of cleaning his vomit off the floor and his body off the street, put everything she had left in her into his dogshit draft of Carrie. I am not surprised when I find out (this is deceptive, I am only briefly surprised when I find out, but surprised that the king's wife was willing to do such a thing; there must have been just enough in that dogshit draft of Carrie for her to think, "All he needs is validation from someone who does not already love him"). All the king needed was validation from someone who did not already love him. All Kindred needed was validation from someone who did already love him. Both are essentially the same need. Both are essentially the core of patriarchy: a desire for love from everyone, everywhere, all at once. When I pray to Kindred, I use his last name because T. has his last name, too, and I blend them together in my head sometimes so I can't tell which one I'm praying to. Sometimes I pray to her separately. Sometimes I pray only to her. There is no "spectacular imagination," there is no "prolific author," without someone loving the fuck out of you even when all you deserve is hate.

Kindred says "Paycheck" is about the idea that sometimes a paperclip is worth nothing and sometimes it is the difference between life and death. Everyone who is poor knows this well. Everyone who once was poor has mostly forgotten this but sometimes remembers, usually in their dreams. Every once in a while in their nightmares. We forget the details of a dream upon waking and paperclips and cans of hairspray and sunglasses and matches are always the smallest of details. How many dreams have you survived because of a detail? How many nightmares?

Kindred says "Paycheck" is about the idea that sometimes a paperclip is worth nothing and sometimes it is the difference between life and death but he is wrong. "Paycheck" is about the idea that sometimes the care from a former lover is worth nothing to you and sometimes it is the difference between you living and you dying. "Paycheck" is about the idea that sometimes the love of an herbologist willing to believe your character has fundamentally changed means nothing to you and sometimes it is the difference between you loving and you hating. "Paycheck" is about the idea that sometimes the envy of a former college friend has no effect on you and sometimes it is the difference between you still and you running. "Paycheck" is about relating to the world, but not to its objects, to its people. Paychecks are just scribbles on paper, after all.