Erica Rivera

fiction

length: 2,430 words

#fiction

content/trigger warning: discussions of nationalism, capitalism, and imperialism, brief references to death and police/state violence




















The game was simple: an endless series of platforms, moving up and down the screen at various speeds, in various directions.

You played as a little blue-green blob, trying to jump onto the platforms as they whizzed by, so you could get as high up as possible (a reason why was never given), sometimes falling off the platforms because the platforms were small and the physics of your body making you think you’d made a successful jump, only to slosh a little too hard towards one of the edges and fall off, usually onto another platform, probably moving in a direction you weren’t expecting and ruining your score.

Your score was determined by how many jumps you successfully landed (each successful landing removed 1 point from your score) and how high you got (little tick marks on the left and right sides of the screen indicated arbitrary units of altitude; each tick mark you passed also removed 1 point from your score).

Each day players would start with 100,000,000,000 points, the dozen-digit number floating near the top of the screen in bold, translucent type, counting down as your blob moved upwards, landing on platforms without falling off.

The platforms moved in mostly straightforward patterns—up and down, left, and right, diagonally—but not all, and not always. Some of their paths curved or formed loops; sometimes they accelerated and decelerated suddenly, the speed (or unexpected change in speed) of a platform often the reason why you did or didn't land a jump.

Sometimes the changes in acceleration followed a pattern you could learn if you remained on the platform long enough: the platforms were repeated along their paths and spaced evenly across them, looping as they ran into the sides of the screen, so that if you were on a platform and it moved off of the left side of the screen, you’d appear on a platform moving left from off the right side of the screen, on the same path as your platform’s neighbors, and vice versa.

But not all, and not always.

Success in the game required luck.

Your goal was to get as low a score as possible: the lower the score, the more successful your jumps and the higher you got before you gave up. The game didn’t end unless you gave up, so technically, you could just keep playing all day, trying to get your score as low as possible. The game paused when you exited the app too, so its initial Japanese player base could start playing and lowering their scores in the morning, keep lowering their scores over lunch or during breaks, and finally compete seriously in the evening, when most players were rapidly changing places at the top of the leaderboard, trying to get their score lower than everyone else’s by the time the game reset at 9:00 PM.

The game expanded internationally almost immediately, but kept its 9:00 PM reset time for all players, despite user outcry, as well as the proliferation of clones that offered different leaderboards for different time zones, usually resetting for those users around 9:00 PM local time, among other features like the ability to change the color and appearance of your blob, and of the platforms (the original had glossy white platforms against a purple-yellow starry sky, and, of course, your blob was only ever round and aquamarine).

But the original remained the most popular version, and its rabidly loyal fanbase, including users in, it seemed, every time zone, adapted quickly to the universal reset time and single global scoreboard. 9:00 PM was noon in UTC (Universal Time Coordination, an internationally recognized time-measurement standard), which the developers said was, in part, why they insisted the time stay fixed, though, as with many massively multiplayer online games, often the appeal was simply the idea that your time zone could become a strategic advantage; players in Hong Kong, for example, constantly bested players in Tokyo for the first few months after the game’s release, which users soon realized was because players in Hong Kong, who started playing after work, tended to play more aggressively, knowing they had an hour less to win than their Japanese competitors.

This became known to players outside east Asia after a strategy pioneered by some of those players went viral worldwide, in the many multilingual online communities that had sprung up devoted to the game. They’d discovered that lowering your score by sticking your landings was a distraction. There was no penalty if you fell off a platform after jumping; it wasn't like it added to your score, as was the case in some of the knock-offs. In fact, the players had discovered that by intentionally falling off the platforms—especially by quickly making many successive jumps, picking up speed and using the momentum to fall off of one platform onto another, and then another, and so on—you could move higher faster, and make up for not landing jumps with your increasingly rapid ascension.

Users were learning to do more with less.

Other strategies like this went viral in other time zones: where scores reset when most people were working (Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran), players went all in during their lunch breaks, discovering that simply mashing the jump button without stopping, though ineffective for besting international opponents, was an easy way to beat local players who spent their lunches talking or eating. Where scores reset midday (Spain, Algeria, Greece), players began waking earlier to maximize the amount of time they could play before work began. Where scores reset in the morning (Ecuador, Mexico, Cuba), players started going to sleep as soon as they got home from work, waking around midnight and staying up all night, past sunrise, to play and get their scores as low as possible before crashing for an hour or two, after the reset, then waking and going to work.

These strategies had stopped, at a certain point, being about gameplay, per se. They were more like strategies for successfully scheduling your life around the game.

For scheduling your life around being successful at the game.

The global scoreboard was anonymized, so no one could create an offensive username and ride it to the top out of hatred, or in an attempt to be edgy. Instead, you were represented by a randomized combination of letters and numbers, and by a little rounded version of your country’s flag. The game, while in beta, had assigned your country to you based on your IP address, but concerns over user privacy prior to the game’s official release led them to scrap this. Instead, players could select what country they were represented by, and you could change this once per play session, right before you started playing. The developers believed, and said so in interviews, that most people identified more with a country they didn’t live in than with the one in which they did, and that the game was perhaps so successful because it respected the diasporic nature of identity and migration (the game included Palestine, Taiwan, and Kosovo, among other countries with limited international recognition, as options for players) and that sometimes people want to play for the other team, so to speak, if only temporarily.

Of course, this meant that the gameplay, on a daily basis, revolved around keeping players who selected places like the United States and Israel (trolls making it public that they “obviously” weren’t from there) from topping the leaderboard, or selecting places like Palestine or Taiwan (activists making it known that they were doing so to increase the countries' visibility) in order to cover the leaderboard in their chosen flags. Teams formed in group chats or on Discord; each day brought a new country v. country battle. Some were obvious: one week saw the Top 1000 leaderboard almost exclusively comprised of users whose chosen flags were either Colombia's or Romania's, simply because they were nearly identical. Others were inexplicable: early on, for example, an unspoken enmity had begun between Swiss and Somali players, and never ended, such that every so often, totally unexpectedly, white crosses and white stars would flood the leaderboard for a few hours, then vanish almost entirely. Reportedly, neither a Swiss nor Somali player had yet to place a win with the country's flag (wins were, at that point, tracked on sites that aggregated content about the game, which were popular since they tended to report on which country vs. country match-offs were trending over the course of any given day) because influencers from other countries liked to score wins with either the Swiss or Somali flag in an attempt to go viral, which often worked.

It was obvious that nationalism was key to the game’s success. Knock-offs that allowed players to make up new countries or be represented by the flags of fictional places—Middle Earth, Westeros, Hogwarts—didn’t have the same allure. That you could only win as an existing country, but that this included countries without total sovereignty, was why its audience grew into the billions. At its peak, January 1 of its second year in existence, 2.5 billion people, a third of humanity, all played together at the exact same time between 11:00 AM and 12:00 PM UTC. (As many had predicted and moaned about, a player represented by the Canadian flag won that day, due to a months-long campaign run by Canadian players lobbying aggressively for the world’s best players to choose Canada on that first of January, which fell on the first Saturday after the scheduled release of a highly anticipated update that added a long-term leaderboard that ranked countries based on how many times players who had chosen them had won. Though Canada indeed became the first country to appear on that leaderboard, it quickly tumbled down the chart as resentment over the stunt ensured, that, for many months, players represented by the Canadian flag almost never won. The top of this new scoreboard, of course, centralized around a few countries that players generally preferred, either because of what their flags looked like or represented, or because they had obvious enemies to fuel match-ups. These included Macedonia, Palestine, Bhutan, and the United States.)

It was the Olympics democratized. It was international war fought with well-timed taps on a smartphone screen or keyboard. It was absolutely meaningless and yet dominated so much of so many people’s time. Worse, it remained on their minds, all the time, throughout every single day, like an irremovable stain, even when they weren’t playing.

Even if they didn’t play at all.


*


No one ever ended the day with no points before the game shut down, though someone did come close. It seemed impossible as it played out, even as accusations of cheating failed to quell players’ excitement: hundreds of millions, probably more, watched the player’s score continue to drop lower and lower over the course of the day — tens of thousands, then hundreds of thousands, then, millions below its closest competitor. The lowest final score on record had been somewhere around 132 million, a triumph that had astounded fans and made the player who won that day, and who revealed herself publicly as the winner, a household name across the planet. No one else, in the full year since, had come anywhere close to dethroning her.

Now someone (a player who never made themselves known, even after winning) had gotten so much further. The speed at which this player’s score fell was so fast that it seemed certain they would “win,” whatever that meant; just a few minutes before noon UTC, their score was just over a million and plummeting.

But when the reset finally came, the score screeched to a halt a moment too soon. You could almost feel humanity let out a collective groan.

Still, the feat was unignorable. It left those who knew the game best speechless. 105? That was possible? Players, online, reeled with shock, dreaming up all kinds of new strategies that that day’s winner must've used to win, assuming they hadn't cheated.

Whatever the winner had done, it upset the developers. Though the pair wrote in a press release that the player hadn't cheated, and that they'd reached out to the player to allow them to verify this, and that they had indeed verified it, they also reported that the player did not wish to make their identity known, or even discuss the game further, and that their interactions with the player, and how close the player had come to the game’s seemingly unreachable endpoint, had made the developers decide to shut down the game. They said it was because any attempt to get a lower score would go against the game’s philosophy: once it had been made clear that the game could be beaten, there was no reason for anyone to play anymore.

Players rioted.

94 people were killed in demonstrations around the world, all beginning at 12:00 PM UTC the day after the record had been set, the first day the game was unavailable to play since its official launch. Almost 11 thousand people were arrested across 5 continents, many while draped in the flags of their (or their preferred) countries.

None of it mattered. The developers publicly called for peace and diplomacy, but the game and its knock-offs were banned overnight in every country in which they had been available.

Eventually, finally, former players stopped caring, and people moved on to the next viral app. Since then, no game has beat its record for highest number of global concurrent players. The way the game had ended had been so shocking (traumatic, even), it was doubtful that many people would ever embark, together, on any kind of similar experience again. The only way to beat the record set by the game itself, some theorized, would be to make a game that appealed to and involved absolutely everyone, amassing far more than 2.5 billion devotees, by going as far and as hard as the 1 (unknown) player who’d almost gotten to 0; by trying, even if quixotically, to get all (or nearly all) the people on the planet to do the exact same thing at the exact same time.



START



















length: 2,021 words

#fiction

content/trigger warning: discussion/depiction of psychosis, state violence, incarceration


















The literature professor wrote her novel quietly. She didn’t tell anyone it was happening. She just started typing.

After a few weeks she asked an agent to take a look. The professor sent over pages. There was interest. But the agent wanted to see a manuscript right away — snake a copy through Hollywood, snag her some lucrative adaptation contract. The agent’s persistence reminded her of the pressure from colleagues to pursue tenure. She wasn’t having it. She wanted this to be something bigger than a Netflix original — she wanted a classic, something that would make her a writer for life. She wanted a Harry Potter, a Katniss Everdeen, a Clark Kent — a Jesus. She wanted to invent a timeless household name.

She told the agent no but thank you.

And she struck out on her own.


*


There were no reviews, good or bad, for the first four months her novel was available for purchase on Amazon. The novel had undone the entire spring semester — papers carelessly graded; rambling lectures; not a single scholarly article published — and so far she'd earned nothing in return.

The professor had ridden waves of euphoria as she’d finished the novel, then self-published it, but now depression was rapidly undoing her high.

Finally, the first review on Goodreads appeared, written and posted by username HaleyCat. It included the following praise: “Her writing treads subtly between insolence towards convention and a castigation of the avant-garde.” The professor wept. It felt as though she’d been gifted the cure for suffering.

She reached through the screen towards her first and only fan: a DM in HaleyCat’s inbox, inviting a correspondence.

A no-nonsense athletic trainer, Haley was willing to fill a best-friend-shaped hole in the professor’s life that she had never noticed until the conversation with Haley became freakishly honest and profound — and endless, seemingly endless.

Once, they debated whether there was a way to treat writing like fitness: high-intensity interval training, nutrient-rich literature-loading, intermittent fasting to keep the mind sharp.

There was only one way to find out.


*


Dawn meant ten rounds of flash fiction, capped at 500 words. Noon meant raw eggs followed by short stories of at least 5000 each. Haley installed a punching bag in the corner of the professor’s apartment, yellow leather wrapped snugly around sixty pounds of sawdust, ready for a beating whenever the professor’s keyboard was unable to match her intensity. Stiff fists into the damn bag and then she’d be back to creating tiny worlds in epic chapters, entire galaxies in 1000 words or less.

Notebooks peppered her apartment, first a shake’s worth, then a shaker’s. Dawn meant an unparalleled insight into the human condition. Noon meant three new chapters (sometimes four; sometimes more). The punching bag began to sag embarrassingly, which made her pummel it even harder.

Soon the professor didn’t even need to sleep anymore. There wasn’t enough time to get everything inside her head onto the screen.

There was only the all-consuming story, the thing had to be done if anything was going to mean anything anymore.


*


And then it was finished.

How many words?

Enough.

She looked through her phone for the agent’s number. Where was it?

In her e-mail: nothing. No communiqués.

There were no pages she had sent.

There was no story on her computer.

There weren’t even any DMs on Goodreads.

Where was the file? Where were her conversations with Haley?

What was happening to her?

There was writing, yes. And as she recognized it for what it was, she laid down slowly on the floor of her apartment and let herself be surrounded by pages upon pages of frenetic handwriting she did not recognize, unpretty sentences sprinting wildly about, paragraphs without sense or structure.

Now she understood the lack of reviews. There was no novel. No Amazon page, no Goodreads account. No Haley. No punching bag — only a hole in the wall and several bruised knuckles.

And in the space the professor used to inhabit: a brain, biochemically amok, incomprehensible, lost.


*


It was summer so it was a convenient time to have herself committed. Family came, friends came, even a few students came, each visit clouding her mind further. Like liquor, shame is cumulative, and equally incapacitating.

Her doctor explained that the medication can make you feel that way sometimes, but it’s perfectly normal, okay? And she nodded as though she believed there existed no emotions capable of matching the potency of a pharmaceutical drug.

[REDACTED] was the official diagnosis. Without medication, delusions of grandeur and breaks with reality would polka-dot her future like seizures for an epileptic. This is what she would mouth when it was time for her daily dose of sanity.

Then, after enough time, courage kicks in. She asks a nurse for a pencil and paper. The nurse obliges.

Could she write? Could she write about herself? Could she write about what had happened? Could this be the story she was meant to tell? Could she be her own personal Jesus?

But the medication didn’t allow for those kinds of questions anymore. She could no longer be the hero of the story, the asker of the questions. What was left was only the paper and the pencil, with nothing to will the two to touch.

The writer had to die for the sins of the story, but for us, here in the real world, at least the woman gets to live.


*


Our delusions are our gods, when we think ourselves heroes. It simply turns out even delusions can be commodified, bartered for, owned in perpetuity. The professor believed she was a writer because she wanted to stand on the edge of society that believes it can chart our futures as though some temporal cartographer. But there are, in any sage’s map, only delusions.

This does not make them meaningless. It makes them, in fact, exactly what keep us going.




















































Her Own Personal Jesus

The literature professor wrote her novel quietly at first. She didn’t tell anyone it was happening. She just started typing.

After a few weeks she asked an agent to take a look. The professor sent over pages. There was interest. But the agent wanted to see a manuscript right away — snake a copy through Hollywood, snag her some lucrative adaptation contract. The agent’s persistence reminded her of the pressure from colleagues to pursue tenure. She wasn’t having it. She wanted this to be something bigger than some Netflix original series. She wanted a classic, a full-fledged franchise — something that would make her a writer for life. She wanted a Harry Potter, a Katniss Everdeen, a Clark Kent — a Jesus.

She wanted to invent a timeless household name.

So she told the agent no but thank you.

And she struck out on her own.


*


There were no reviews, good or bad, for the first four months her self-published novel was available for purchase on Amazon. The novel had undone her spring semester — papers carelessly graded; rambling lectures; not a single scholarly article published — and so far she had earned nothing in return.

But the professor was too smart to surrender.

Someone would come.


*


Finally, the first review on Goodreads appeared, written and posted by username HaleyCat. It included the following praise: “Her writing treads subtly between playful inventiveness and serious realism.” The professor wept. It felt as though she’d been gifted the cure for suffering.

She reached through the screen towards her first and only fan: a DM in HaleyCat’s inbox, inviting a correspondence.

A no-nonsense athletic trainer, Haley was willing to fill a small, best-friend-shaped hole in the professor’s life that she had never noticed until the conversation with Haley became freakishly honest and profound — and endless, seemingly endless.

Once, they debated whether there was a way to treat writing like fitness: high-intensity interval training, nutrient-rich literature-loading, intermittent fasting to keep the mind sharp.

It seemed there was only one way to find out.


*


Dawn meant ten rounds of flash fiction, capped at 500 words. Noon meant raw eggs followed by short stories of at least 5000 each. Haley installed a punching bag in the corner of the professor’s apartment, yellow leather wrapped snugly around sixty pounds of sawdust, ready for a beating whenever the professor’s keyboard was unable to match her intensity. Stiff fists into the damn bag and then she’d be back to creating tiny worlds in epic chapters, entire galaxies in a handful of stanzas.

Notebooks peppered her apartment, first a shake’s worth, then a shaker’s. Dawn meant an unparalleled insight into the human condition. Noon meant three new chapters (sometimes four; sometimes more). The punching bag began to sag embarrassingly, which made her pummel it even harder.

On one Tuesday, she self-published two separate poetry chapbooks; by the next, she’d released a 20,000-word novella.

She released a newsletter documenting her writing process. She started an Instagram account and filled it with sepia screenshots of passages from working drafts. She hauled half her weight in sawdust up two flights of stairs to her apartment — and was, by this point, strong enough to do so without Haley’s help.

I didn’t know that this is what I was like with a quest set before me, she thought. I didn’t know that this is who I could be.

She'd almost said this out loud, first to Haley — once when she’d had a little too much wine — and then to the agent, when he’d called on the phone because she’d, by then, stopped responding to his desperate e-mails.

You have incredible potential, we see all the work you’re putting out, we want you to know you are one of fiction’s rising stars — and then the professor assumed he was going to say something like, and that’s why we have to represent you, you deserve only the best, so she interrupted him and said simply:

I know.


*


It was a hot summer Tuesday the day the second novel was finished. The professor was sweating and Haley wasn’t at home to take care of the things the professor forgot while she wrote, like turning on the A/C. The sweat dripped down her face and onto the keyboard as she feverishly proofread, before finally, as always, publishing the work online herself. She snapped a picture of herself for Instagram and uploaded it with the caption, Don’t mind me putting my actual sweat and tears into this book! #Crying #ThisHeat #HeatWave #Novel #AlmostToTheFinishLine

Almost to the finish line. Haley had promised to be honest about the new novel and, upon reading its final draft, alternately burst into tears and nearly died laughing. It was perfect, it was unforgettable, it had all the hallmarks of a true classic, Haley had told her. The professor had birthed her own personal Jesus.

The heat tightened its embrace of the professor as she fixed the final typo on the final page. She embraced it back. She wiped her brow and collapsed onto her bed with her laptop in hand. With a click, her dreams became realities. Off went what she had birthed into the rest of the world, to become what it might become, if there was any justice in the world at all for our brave and determined professor.

You see, in the stories we tell ourselves most the hero must sacrifice everything and still maybe lose — because we want to know that we can live through it all, through hell, and come out on the other side, resurrected. But out here in the real world, the honest truth is that every once in a while, we get to win. We get to live. We get to have it all go right, for once, for once, let us have it all go right.

















length: 2,014 words

#fiction

content warning/trigger warning: discussions of mental health, excessive usage of the words “crazy” and “insane”


















Darkness.

Soft lights fade up on stage. Bright spotlight turns on suddenly, center of the circular stage. Into the spotlight steps a masked woman, facing the audience. From a spot on the ground in front of her a small hole opens up and a microphone rises, slowly then more quickly, until it is just a few centimeters directly in front of her mouth. She speaks.

“One.”

Then:

“Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy insane. Insane. Insane. Insane. Crazy insane.”

She pauses, then says:

“Two.”

Then:

“Crazy. Crazy? Insane. Crazy. Crazy insane. Crazy insane. Crazy insane? Crazy crazy. Crazy crazy crazy. Insane. Insane.”

Quietly, she says:

“Crazy.”

Then at a louder volume:

“Crazy insane. Insane, crazy. Insane. Crazy insane crazy insane crazy insane.”

A beat, then:

“Crazy.”

Another pause, then she says:

“Three.”

Then:

“Insane. Unsane. Insane. Unsane. Crazy? Insane. Unsane. Crazy unsane. Crazy insane? Crazy insane.”

More quietly, almost a whisper:

“Insane. Crazy.”

Then, louder again:

“Crazy insane, crazy unsane, uncrazy and sane. Crazy. Insane. Unsane.”

Another pause, then:

“Four.”

And:

“Crazy insane.”

Quietly:

“Crazy insane?”

Loudly:

“Crazy insane. Crazy insane. Crazy insane.”

Beat, then:

“Five.”

And:

“Insane: crazy. Crazy? Insane. Insane. Insane! Crazy, crazy insane, crazy crazy insane. Crazy crazy crazy. In crazy? Insane crazy. In crazy insane. In crazy sane. In crazy sane. I’m crazy sane.

Crazy.”

Then:

“Six.”

Then:

“Crazy crazy craze. Insane craze. Crazy insane craze. Crazy insane crave. Craving crazy craze. Grazing crazy craze. Insane. Insane, crazy, crave. Craving craze. Crazy craving craze crazing crazies. Insane. Crazy. Crazy to crave. Crazy to graze. Crazy to grave. Grazing to craze. Creasing to craze. Insane. Crazy. Crazier craze to crave crazing when crazier crazes have grazed our graves far more crazily. Insane. Insane crazy. In some crazy. Insane; crazy.”

And:

“Seven.”

And:

“Crazy graze. Crazy grave. Grazy grays. Crazy crave. Crazy insane. Crazy insane. Crazy in grave. Crazy engraved. Crazy in graves, crazy in grays, crazy in gays. Crazy in gaze. Crazy I gave. Crazy I slayed. Crazy I spate. Crazy I saved. Crazy I say. Crazy I stay. Crazy insane. Crazy engrayed. Crazy engayed. Crazy and saved. Crazy in grains. Crazy in gray. Crazy in gay. Crazy in gape. Crazy in gains. Crazy insane. Crazy insane. Crazy instay.”

No beat, right to:

“Eight.”

And:

“Crazy insane is crazy to say. Crazy insane is crazy to say. Crazy to stay. Crazy too staid. Crazy too stained. Crazy too, say? Crazy crazy: crazy two,” then quietly: “Stay.” Then, “Crazy insane. Crazy insane. Crazy in spades. Crazy and spayed. Crazy in spates. Crazy in paints. Crazy in pain. Crazy in pain. Crazy in pain, crazy is pain, crazy insane. Crazy insane! Crazy insane. Crazy is safe. Crazy is saved. Crazy and straight. Crazy and gay. Crazy and slain. Crazy is pain. Crazy is pay. Crazy enpained. Crazy insane.”

Quicker:

“Nine.”

Quicker:

“Crazy enslained, crazy explained, crazy insane, crazy explained, crazy crazy crazy insane, crazy, explain, crazy, inplain, crazy is plain,” quieter but with no pause, “Crazy is plain,” then loud again, louder than even before, “Crazy is pain?! But crazy explains, and crazy ends pain, but crazy is pay, and payzy is crane, so crany is zane, crazy in zane, crazy is zane, cazey is rain, razey is crane, crazy insane, crazy in rain—kay, see? Insane. Creasy insane, greasy insane, grainy in grain, razor engrained, really quite crazy insane,” now she’s practically shouting, “Ten, crazy: explain! Crazy is sane, crazy in sane is crazy insane, crazy in crazy insane is in crazy sane crazy craze, crazy in crazy sane insane is in insane crazy sane craze! Sine?! Cosine! Crazy and signed! Crazy cosigned! Crazy cocaine, crazy insane, crazy go sane, crazy gets cane, crazy to crave insane crazy craze! Crazy crazy crazy insane!!!” almost screamed, and then a long inhale, and then, in a quiet whisper:

“Crazy explained.”

And:

“Crazy end pain.”

And she’s done.

Lights dim, rousing applause from the audience, and when the lights come up again the mic has disappeared back into the stage and the masked woman is modestly bowing.

“Wow, just… wow,” says the host who is walking onstage towards her now. “Let’s give it up for Erica Rivera, ladies and gentlemen!” And the crowd continues to go wild until almost all at once their applause disappears. “Breathtaking,” the host says, “takes my breath away every. Time.” And the masked woman, who is not allowed to talk anymore, nods quickly to indicate her emphatic approval.

“Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give it up one more time for last season’s winner, your next great American artist, Erica Rivera!” And the applause comes in and goes out once again, more quickly this time. “Now for those at home who missed last season,” boos from the crowd, “ah, yes, I know, I know, back when we were on streaming-service-that-shall-not-be-named,” laughter from the crowd, “and we didn’t have asbig of an audience, many of you may not have had the privilege of seeing Erica’s incredible performance of ‘Crazy/Insane’—is it crazy slash insane or crazy comma insane, love?” and the masked woman holds up her right hand with one finger up to indicate the first. “Ah, yes, crazy slash insane, one of the most memorable moments of last season’s quarterfinals, when you crawled your way back from Exile Island with that heartrending performance… that you composed with only thirty fleeting minutes in your Artist’s Hourglass! Incredible. Absolutely incredible. Took me right back to filming that episode, truly one of the highlights of my job.” The masked woman nods so emphatically it looks like her mask might fall off. “Now, let’s hear from our judges… although I have a feeling I know what they might say…” and the host, a very tall blonde white woman, giggles a little, mischievously.

“Well, yes, you took the words right out my mouth,” says the first judge, almost annoyed, “and Erica, you took the words out of mine as well. I remember seeing you on Exile Island furiously scribbling down words on paper instead of, as your competitors did, choosing a genre more… adequate for the time limit, like dance or sculpture, and I thought, this girl’s writing her ticket home. And then you stood in front of us and bared your soul, and, my love, tonight you have done it again, proved to everyone here and everyone watching that you are the next great American artist. Bravo. Brava. Bravissimo,” and he makes a chef’s kiss gesture with his hand and puckered lips. Applause, applause, applause.

“And Marie?” asks the host coyly. “Did Erica do it for you tonight again?”

And the second judge nearly screams, “She!!! Sure!!! Damn!!! Did!!!” and, exaggeratedly, she stands up and gives the masked woman another, short round of applause, accompanied by a little celebratory jig. Sitting down, and more quietly, she continues: “She surely damn-diddle-dee did. I mean, wow. Erica. I remember that night like it was yesterday and, you know, I hate to agree with Jésus here,” light, brief ribbing between judge number one and judge number two, “but, yes, that night, I was sure you were going home, I mean, we could see what you and Dawn and Blu were doing and Blu, I mean, Blu is an incredible sculptor, and Dawn an incredible dancer, and we could see a little of what you were doing and I thought, ‘What is this girl thinking?!’ but then you came out and absolutely. Destroyed. That. Stage. With. Your. Words. I could not believe it. That—and those of you who want to compete next season, pay damn close attention—that, that! Is how you get off Exile Island. Soul-baring. Truly soul-baring. I love you, girl,” and another little bit of exaggerated applause from her.

“Thank you, Marie, we all love it when an artist does it for you,” and Marie, whose mic has been turned off, can nevertheless be heard screaming, “Do it for me, baby!!!” and the host laughs and the masked woman laughs (ostensibly, all we can see is her body shaking as though in laughter) and the judges laugh and then things get serious because the host says, “Now Yousef.”

“Yes,” the third judge says.

“Yousef, are you going to be nice tonight?” the host asks with a mock frown.

“Not. A. Chance,” and the audience boos, loudly. “Oh, yeah, boo me, boooooo me all you want, you’ll never be able to boo me harder than you booed me that night when I voted for Blu, who, by the way, just last month received a MacArthur ‘genius’ grant,” applause and whooping from the audience, “so I’d like to think my judgment isn’t too far off,” laughter from all involved, “but we’re here to talk about Erica, who, as you all know, I did vote for in the final vote during the finale, unlike, ahem, some people,” and Marie, again off-mic but still audible, screams, “Well, you wouldn’t have been able to vote for her in the finale if we hadn’t gotten her off of Exile Island!!!” and judges one and two share a laugh that the camera cuts to just for a moment, “but, well, I have to tell you, Erica, now that you are here again,” and he says this with complete sincerity: “Mea culpa. Mea culpa, my friend. You proved tonight, just as you did last season, why you are worthy of the title of the next great American artist and I couldn’t be more impressed,” and the camera cuts back to the masked woman and the host so the host can lead the masked woman off-stage and bring this season's remaining contestants up for the final group challenge, but judge number three wants to add something else so the camera cuts back to him so he can say:

“I just have to say something about that performance, because I didn’t get to say it last season, because I wouldn’t have known to say it last season. Erica, you and I have spoken several times since last season’s finale and you talked to me about the piece, and about the criticism I gave you the night of the quarterfinals, and I have to say this or I wouldn’t feel right… Erica, you were right. Can I talk a little about what you said to me,” and the masked woman, after the shortest beat, nods emphatically. “Now, you told me that the poem was inspired by an encounter you had, long before you even auditioned for the show, with, if I remember correctly, a sensitivity reader?” The masked woman nods again emphatically. “Well. Ladies and gentlemen, according to Erica, the sensitivity reader had told her, after reading the manuscript of her first novel, not to use the words ‘crazy’ or ‘insane’ because they were quote-unquote stigmatizing,” boos from the crowd, louder than any of the boos so far, “and you, Erica, as someone who struggles with her mental health, were inspired, in that moment, at the end of your rope with only thirty minutes in your Hourglass, to meet the theme of the quarterfinals, ‘Taboo,’ with a very personal, very intimate, very abstract exploration of what it means to struggle with mental health, and Erica, sweetheart, I need to say this: Congratulations, truly congratulations,” aww’s and applause from the crowd as judge number three begins to tear up, “I truly misunderstood you last season and I am so grateful and humbled to be in front of you again—for me to be in front of you—and get to tell you that you really are, to me, the next great American artist. You nailed it, you nailed me, you nailed that work to the wall with no apologies and that makes me want to be a better artist,” and, “Isn’t that what this show is all about, ladies and gentlemen?!” and big, long whoops—loud whooping cheers, and adoring screams, and loving shouts—and one more long round of applause from the crowd, from the host, from Jésus, Marie, and Yousef, applause, applause, applause—applause that feels, to the woman in the mask, like it will never fucking stop.

















length: 2,026 words

#fiction

content/trigger warnings: discussions of death, grief, child trafficking, and adoption, written by someone who is not an adoptee


















The plot was, indeed, very ridiculous.

It did not make Erica laugh or smile, but it did let her wander into a silly fictional world where people got caught in terrifyingly perilous situations and then escaped like it was nothing—a decent enough recipe for fleeting, escapist popcorn. Watching it, at first, had felt like a chore, as she tried to unstick her mind from the walls around her, and drag it into the silly fictional world with its nonsensical rules and neat resolutions. But eventually, finally, she gave in and got lost in it—peeled her anxiety down like it had been stuck up with tape, let it fall in slow motion like a loose leaf fluttering down and away from its tree.

The movie was at about the halfway point: the main character was trying to escape a safehouse swarmed by armed mercenaries, sent by her employers to catch and/or kill her, while talking to her employers over a wireless communicator as they dropped hints that the conspiracy she was uncovering was real—that her employers, whom she had, since birth, believed were her parents, did not birth/raise her, but had instead taken her from those who had birthed/raised her, a group of enigmatic celebrity historians that she had been tasked with capturing at the beginning of the film, setting the rest of the events of the movie in motion.

(Indeed, very ridiculous.)

But everyone, Erica thought, at some point wonders if they’re adopted, and that was what had drawn her into the film: the idea that relationships between individuals in a family can exemplify (or clarify) how history makes itself felt in every present action and dynamic—that the past wasn’t even past, as someone whose name she couldn’t remember had written in a book she’d long ago skimmed.

But the revelation dawning on the main character—that the historians had been telling the truth when, shortly after she'd captured them (at a Hollywood premiere, because, of course, the main character’s public-facing identity was that of a cherished A-list movie star), they had cryptically intimated she was their blood kin, fated to become their new leader—crept towards Erica with tendrils that threatened to brush away her own thoughts and aggressively reweave them until they were the size and shape of the main character in the film.

Erica had never asked her parents if she was adopted, and she’d never really felt the need to look into it (her birth certificate seemed authentic, she had her mother’s nose, her father’s eyes, etc.) but she was so different from them in so many ways—in every way that was not physical, she'd always felt—that she too, like many, felt called out to by the questions that haunt a diasporic world. Who am I, really? How easy would it have been for everyone to have lied to me about it? How little did I care, to not have tried harder to find out? How much do I even care now? And what would answers really change—about anything, if anything?

Erica knew it was grief talking. Mostly her parents', but also her own, a little, sure—it wasn’t like she'd known her grandparents well; her parents had kept them at arm’s length, which had only bothered her as a child (back when everyone called her Eric, back when they thought she was a boy) because classmates would come back from summer breaks to regale their friend group with stories of weird houses and stinky foods, stories set in faraway places with bizarre customs and new smells and funny-looking people, and she’d talk about summer camp or cruise liners and she couldn’t help, even at that age, feeling like her stories weren’t up to par. But as she’d aged, she’d understood that her parents’ relationships with their parents were far more complicated than she dared try to understand: that there was an unspeakable universe of pain there that, she wondered, might have been what drew her father to her mother, and the reverse (i.e., shared trauma, one of the most perilous bonds two people can forge).

Erica’s parents had grown up only children, and they had always felt like only children. Sometimes she wondered if she’d even been conceived on purpose. There'd always been something in their voices—something far more perceptible after the deaths of their parents—that told her they pitied her: that they were glad they were only children because it meant there were no other children like them, and that they regretted, at least a little, that they had ended up echoing the same (restrained) ambition of their parents, instead of downsizing their bloodline over a generation from one child to zero.

Erica loved her parents; her parents had done a fine job of raising her, she’d always felt, especially when compared to the parents of her peers, and that this didn’t necessarily make them good parents, but that it also didn’t mean they had been badparents. Fine as opposed to perfect. Reserved; insular. Very internal. Very connected to each other but not much else. Not even her. They had never once complained about how often she spent her time away from them, how she'd rarely been home when she lived in their home and rarely was alone with them for longer than a meal and always pursued whatever she had been interested as passionately as she could even when that had taken time—so, so much time—away from them.

She had grown up feeling like an assignment, one lasting 18 years and that, afterwards, all there was for them to do was to die (and watch those around them do the same).

I have grown upan assignment: 18 years, timed. time's up, so pencils down, now please just rest in peace.

She had written the poem in college for an assignment about family, and rarely returned to the theme in her work since, though she recognized that that had been when her mind had first birthed the question of adoption—first as fear, then as fantasy—a fear, and then fantasy, that had vanished just as suddenly in a matter of months, around the time she’d started dating women.

In the movie, adoption for the main character was fear, not fantasy. After narrowly escaping the safehouse, she found refuge in what had once been a bustling movie theater, now hollowed out into living quarters for a few dozen people with nowhere else to go. Attempting to blend in as a drifter obviously failed; moments passed before she was recognized, and then moments more before she recognized the people recognizing her. The movie theater’s residents were mostly movie actors/actresses the main character had once reveled in seeing onscreen, the skillful way they'd controlled their bodies and emotions being part of why she had chosen—when given the choice by her parents/“parents”/employers at 16—her public-facing identity to be one of an actress. The actors/actresses explained the choice had not been a choice, as it had not been a choice for them, either: they too had been employed by her employers, raised by them as their children, and been told, just as she had, at 16, that they could give exactly half of themselves to any career of their choosing, and that—because of how their parents/“parents”/employers had taken them to movie after movie, weekend after weekend, and because these future actors/actresses had also reveled in seeing people skillfully control their bodies and emotions—they had, like her, chosen to live publicly as actors/actresses, until they'd aged out of A-list roles and their employers had discarded them as easily as the entertainment industry had. They'd been told that, were they ever to try to work again, they would be killed, and it was only then that the actors/actresses—each during different years, and under different circumstances, but always in the same way—had begun to suspect they had no idea where they really came from. They'd each felt that parents would not discard their children so easily, without remorse, as though their familial bond had been a simple financial transaction. And the main character shared her own story and their sympathetic reactions made her more sure than ever that the historians had been telling the truth.

The main character, through burning, infernal wails, vocalized her angst and anger about having captured and delivered so many targets to her employer as their agent (“their hunter, their wolf-dog,” the actress playing the main character whispered so bitterly the dialogue almost didn’t seem totally weird) without question. The truth obliterated everything she thought she knew about herself. Everything. Every act was suddenly poisoned. Every part of her wasn’t real.

After the ex-actors/ex-actresses finished comforting her, they told her their plan. They'd assembled a small army, and, later that evening, would be breaking into the city’s Hall of Records, in an attempt to, as they put it, “give everyone a clean slate,” by which they meant destroy the building, on a semi-suicide mission, and at this point, the plot of the movie had become so convoluted that Erica lowered the volume and opened the movie’s Wikipedia page (the movie kept playing in the bottom-left corner of her phone, picture-in-picture) to figure out who the hell had greenlit this movie and why.

Of course.

It was based on a video game.

And Erica read about the video game the movie was based on and found the plot was more or less the same, except with a few even more ridiculous missions/storylines, which had been (thankfully) cut from the film.

In the movie, the main character was agreeing to join the ex-actors and ex-actresses on their semi-suicide mission and then marching with their army towards the Hall of Records, their horde framed moodily by torrential rain from a nasty thunderstorm that—overwhelmingly melodramatically—included multiple lightning strikes landing near and around them, with not one of the tragic soldiers flinching even a little, so resolute in their mission they each seemed to be.

And the main character, too.

Erica considered turning the movie off at that point; there seemed, to her, to be power in that. She found it distasteful, of course, that the multibillion-dollar blockbuster was exploiting the trauma of adoption so grotesquely, centering a conventionally attractive light-skinned celebutante as though it were people who looked like her who had to navigate these questions in real life, and that, in order to make the conspiracy questionable but plausible, had made her parents/“parents”/employers a dark-skinned man and a light-skinned woman, and the cult of historians claiming her as their own a group of light-skinned, ethnically ambiguous characters played by a group of light-skinned, ethnically ambiguous actors/actresses, when the reality was that it was always lily-white parents/“parents” who felt most entitled to baskets of (light-skinned, ethnically ambiguous) children. Erica didn’t believe she was adopted so it wasn’t her struggle, per se, but she knew the movie was ridiculous in this way, too. She imagined the climax of the movie would be a confrontation between the main character’s parents/“parents”/employers and the cult of historians, and the main character would be forced to choose, and the decision would be torturous because it would involve accepting she'd been a victim of trafficking, and that she had almost delivered the people who had actually birthed/raised her to the people who had stolen/trafficked her.

It was just so fucking ridiculous. If Erica had been the main character, she would have left the narrative altogether and used her wealth to buy some really, really good therapy. (Maybe, like, some ketamine treatments, or something.)

But it was a movie and everything in movies gets resolved with violence and that was why Erica felt she was ready to turn the movie off.

Instead, she left the movie playing on her phone but turned her phone upside down and turned the volume down to the lowest possible setting without muting it altogether, and then turned herself upside down too, and quickly fell asleep.